Size Matters
by enchantment1972
Summary: After much pestering from Donna and the Doctor, Jack's looking to buy a new car. Maybe. Jack's love of small cars is put to the test and he's put through an emotional wringer of bigger on the inside and the outside until Rose comes up with the perfect solution. **Eleventh of the Forever After series**
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:** David's ability to teleport was first established in Mr. McDonald Checks In. The 'going dutch' joke and Jake's credit card charges go way back to Blast To The Past. :)

Susie and Sadie, who were first mentioned in Valentine's Day? What's That? are not quite my creations, but two adorable dogs who belong to a very dear friend of mine. Hence the many dog references. The characters are in tribute to her. :)

**Disclaimer:** I do not own anything in relation to Dr. Who.

**Chapter 1 I'll Be There For You**

Early Sunday morning finds Liane Piper strolling towards Piper's Pastries, ready to start a new day. She's soon standing outside her bakery's front doors searching for her keys in her purse when a voice greets her from behind. "Hello, Liane Piper."

Liane's startled gaze instantly morphs into one of alarm when she finds herself staring directly into the eyes of David McDonald. "You!" she squeaks. "What are you doing here?" Her head seems to spin in every direction as she asks, "Where's Jake?"

"He's still at the Malt O'Benny paying for our coffee," he replies cheerfully. "I was waiting outside for him when I saw you."

"But that's twenty blocks away!" exclaims Liane in disbelief. Her eyes narrow suspiciously as she asks, "Were you using binoculars?"

"Don't need them, lass. I have excellent eyesight." He leans in close and with a cheeky wink and intones, "All the better to see you with, my dear."

Liane presses flat against the shop's double doors before quickly spinning around to shove the key in the lock. In her haste to open the door, she twists it in the wrong direction causing it to jam.

"Allow me, love," offers David. He places his hand over hers and with a few jiggles of the key, the lock promptly clicks open. Before Liane can push her way inside, David grips her hand tighter. "You know, I'd be more than happy to take a look at that lock for you or perhaps you just need a new key. Why don't you give me your shop key and I'll check it out or I could simply change the locks and keep some extra keys on hand for an emergency?"

Liane smiles tightly as she pries David's hand off of her own. "That won't be necessary, Mr. McDonald, but thank you for your kind offer." She uses his surname and the doors to put some emotional and physical distance between them and leans her head against the 'CLOSED' sign once she's safely inside the shop.

"It's David, Liane, not Mr. McDonald," he insists from behind her. Liane does a doubletake between David and the locked door, unable to comprehend how he was now standing inside her shop. "It's honestly no problem for me to look at your lock. Just let me know if I can be of any assistance."

Still shaken by his sudden appearance, Liane's hands tremble slightly as she tries to re-open the double doors. David reaches over to help her and she smacks his hand away while firmly maintaining, "I've got it!" She turns and informs him, "I'm sorry, _David_, but you need to leave now. I only allow employees on the premises when the bakery is closed."

David grins widely and declares, "No worries, lass. If anyone can understand rules and regulations, it's me. It's the same in the construction business." She's slowly pushing him out of the doors as he continues, "You do remember that I said that I was a construction supervisor? I'm quite capable of supporting a large family." He's gripping the doorjamb while Liane steadily moves him forward. "How many children would you like?"

A final shove sees David outside the shop and Liane bolts the deadlock for good measure. When he continues to stand on the doorstep, she taps the 'CLOSED' sign in hopes that it will deter any further conversation and hurry him on his way.

David nods his head in understanding and his muffled voice through the glass panes assures her, "I'll just be right over there until you open," as he points at her main window which displays her pastries.

With a defeated sigh, Liane grumbles, "Whatever happened to my luck of the Irish?"

"Liane!" greets Susie and Sadie in unison as they shuffle through the kitchen door with hot, fresh trays of baked goods. "How are you doing this fine morning?" inquires Sadie in a thick Irish burr.

"Good morning, ladies," returns Liane with a warm smile, "I'm fine, thank you." She chances a quick glance at David who is waving through the window and shouting, 'Still here!' before blowing on his hands for warmth. She turns back to the women with a pained expression. "Considering."

"Is that young man a friend of yours, Liane?" queries Susie. "Should we let him in?"

Liane's response is instantaneous and alarming. "Don't you dare! If either of you take one step towards that door, I'll…I'll…"

"You'll what?" asks Sadie shrewdly, knowing full well that Liane has never been a woman to make threats, much less carry them out.

"I don't know," admits Liane with a sigh, "but it'll be really, really bad."

The sisters roll their eyes in amusement and Susie chuckles, "Well, now that we're out of the doghouse, can we ask about that stray out there? He's been walking back and forth past the shop window since we arrived this morning." A light suddenly shines in Susie's eyes as she surmises, "He's that daft nutter that you went on about from that Torchwood delivery, isn't he?"

"Yeah, that's him." She watches him inspect the pastries in the window with keen interest. "I can't believe he's here so early."

"Aw," teases Sadie, "he's following you around like a little lost puppy." Her demeanor instantly changes from mischievous to cynical when she snorts, "Figures. Men are such dogs."

"True," agrees Susie wisely, "but you know how much we love dogs."

The older women cackle in impish glee causing Liane to laugh outright and shake her head in amusement. "Honestly! What am I going to do with the two of you? Somebody needs to put you two on a leash."

Sadie gives Liane a sly wink as she replies, "Trust me, love, it's already been tried."

Liane turns away with a blush and after one last peek at David's whereabouts, she goes into the kitchen to start her day's work.

"How did I know that I'd find you here?" huffs Jake after a twenty block jog.

"Jake!" greets David as he accepts the coffee that he's holding out to him. "Thanks, mate. I hope you didn't spill any."

Jake simply glowers back in response before asking, "So what did you do now? Anything that I can fix or did you fall back onto your ever so suave panic mode?"

David pulls a face and then announces smugly, "You don't need to fix anything. I decided to take your advice and relax and allow my own personal brand of charm to…well…work like a charm." He gestures towards Liane through the window as she exits the kitchen with her arms full of linen tablecloths and napkins to set up for the breakfast diners. "See that? You can see the results for yourself."

Jake looks through the window to see Liane's lips clamp together in frustration before she stalks over to the main window to communicate with the two of them.

"What are you talking about? She seems no different to me."

David darts a glance over at Jake and boasts, "Didn't you see the way that she ran over to the window when she saw me? And now she's mouthing, 'Court her, Court her'. How are you missing this?"

"I don't think that I'm the one missing anything here, lad. That would be you," informs Jake sadly. "You see, she ran over here because she's upset, not enamored, and she's not mouthing, 'court her", she's mouthing, 'court order, court order'. So you see David, things are not going as well as you had hoped."

"Are you sure that she's not suggesting marriage with the court thing?" pleads David. "Because we were discussing having a large family earlier."

It only takes Jake a moment to accept the fact that David is not kidding him in the slightest before he leans his face against the window and mouths to Liane, 'I am sorry, so, so sorry'. He turns back to David and whacks him hard on the shoulder while berating, "Pillock! What's the matter with you? We talked about this!"

"Careful, Jake, you almost spilled my coffee!" grits David. "Besides, I don't see what you're so upset about. Everything seems to be going according to plan." He offers a little wave as he watches Liane take down the dining chairs and set up the tables and booths.

"Oh, really?" inquires Jake with great interest. "And would this plan of yours be one that involves taking hostages?"

"Ha, ha, very funny," replies David. "You'll see, Liane will be…" he trails off as a look of absolute fury crosses his features. "What's he doing here?"

Jake spins around to see the object of David's ire and spies Jack Harkness, Liane's best friend. Tagging along with him are the Doctor, Rose and Donna, chatting merrily away and heading in their direction.

The Doctor spots Jake and yells out, "Jake! Good morning! What are you doing here so bright and early?"

"We came out to grab some coffee and then David ever so kindly decided to treat me to breakfast. Isn't that right, David?" asks Jake with a smarmy grin.

"What?" questions David. "I thought we going to go dutch!"

Jack releases a laugh and praises, "You're a smart man, David. I find it's the best and preferably only way to pay."

"Aye," agrees Jake. "Speaking about paying," he pins the Doctor down with a glare full of accusation, "I find that I have some rather interesting and incredibly expensive charges on my monthly credit statement from our evening at the D & D Bistro."

_Uh, oh_, thinks the Doctor. _I hope Rose brought some money with her._

"Never mind that, Jake," growls David as he circles Jack like an animal defending its territory. "The important thing is that **you**," he jabs Jack in the chest with his finger, "can't go in there! The shop's closed right now and I happen to know that Liane doesn't allow anyone but her employees on the premises until it's open."

"Well, that rule doesn't apply for everyone," explains Jack as he produces a key to Liane's shop. "Which is why Liane gave me this so that I could stop by anytime."

Jake cuts short any argument that David may be about to make by inquiring, "So what brings you lot down here?"

The Doctor exclaims excitedly, "Jack's finally going to buy a new car! Donna and I talked him into it."

"Badgered is more like it," retorts Jack. "And I said maybe, maybe I'll buy a new car. It's not definite."

"We're also here to drop off the specifications for our wedding cake," adds Rose. "When Liane heard that we'd be in the neighborhood, she told us to stop by so that she can ensure that everything is ready for the big day."

"That's great!" congratulates Jake. "I can't wait to attend, it's been way too long in coming," he states with a knowing look at Rose.

"You're telling us," affirms the Doctor with a cheeky grin.

Silence falls upon the group and in an effort to break up the tension, Donna prompts, "So, you two are going off to breakfast then?"

"Yes, we are," declares Jake, taking the hint. He grips David's arm and starts tugging him away from everyone while insisting, "Off we go, now!"

"Okay," concedes David, "but we're coming back as soon as the bakery opens. And quit pulling on my arm, you're going to spill my coffee."

Jake rolls his eyes in exasperation and demands, "What is it with you and this coffee this morning? It's not like you paid for it!"

"I know," reasons David. "That's why I'm so determined not to waste a drop." He acknowledges everyone with a nod and a heartfelt farewell before facing Jack. "Harkness," he spits bitterly before walking off with Jake.

Jake waves goodbye as he drags a reluctant David down the street. The last strains of conversation they hear is David asking, "So, when did you break up with the copy repairman?"

"We broke up last week. We just didn't seem to fit right, you know? He wanted to do the same thing over and over again. Bor-ing!" He shakes his head in regret and then looks over at David in curiousity. "Wait a minute, how did you know that I broke up with him?"

"Easy," replies David. "You don't smell like toner anymore."

After they leave, Jack heads to the door but it flies open before he can insert the key. "It's about time!" hisses Liane. "Now, hurry up and get inside before he comes back!"

Once everyone's tucked inside the shop, Liane immediately locks the doors and faces her visitors with a sheepish expression. "I'm sorry about that, everybody. It's been an unusual morning." Her features light up in excitement as she prepares to enter her element and she asks, "Do you have your ideas for the cake?"

Rose grins widely in reply and squeals, "Oh, yes!" She pulls out a portfolio and hands it to Liane. "I have everything right here!"

The men leave the women to discuss the cake decorations and wander over to the counter to inspect the latest delicacies. Their heads immediately pop up in unison when they hear the double greeting of, "Hi, Jack!" from the O'Rufferty sisters.

Jack smiles his most charming grin and takes each of their hands for a gentle kiss. "Hello ladies, what a pleasure to see you again! I couldn't have better fortune today if I were visited by the Little People." He turns to the Doctor and introduces, "This is my best mate, John Smith, but if you would, he prefers to be called the Doctor."

The women give him the once over as the Doctor bows slightly and chirps, "Hello! Lovely to meet you! I always enjoy meeting the older generation!" He fails to notice their lack of smiles when he queries with a wink, "You won't be pinching me like you do Jack now, will you?"

"Only if you stand in the way of our reaching the cute one!" barks Sadie.

While Jack does his best to not laugh outright, the Doctor is taken aback by this response. _How could they not like me?_ he ponders. _They're not even parallels of anyone that I know._

The Doctor stands to his full height and informs the sisters with a bit of The Oncoming Storm in his voice, "Me, not cute? I'll have you know that in some circles that I'm considered to be foxy!"

Susie somehow manages to snort and chuckle all at the same time. "Really? I don't see that. To me, you look more like a weasel."

"What?" cries the Doctor.

"So, ladies," inquires Jack with a hint of laughter in his voice, "do you have any big plans later today?"

"As a matter of fact we do," declares Sadie as Susie bobs her head up and down. "That nice Wilfed Mott and his friend the Brig are coming by the shop later to take us out to lunch."

"The Brig?" giggles Jack. "You know, he's my uncle. I hope he's ready for the two of you."

"Okay, we're ready to go," proclaims Rose.

"What?" asks the Doctor in astonishment. "Already?"

"Yes," answers Liane. "Rose's details are so exact that it makes everything much faster. I wish all my customers were more like her."

"Except when it comes to French Tartes, eh Liane?" questions Rose guiltily.

"Well, I have a better understanding of where you were coming from, Rose. _Now_," replies Liane in sympathy and with a very pointed look at the Doctor.

"What?" whines the Doctor.

The women and Jack merely shake their heads in sad acceptance of the Doctor's blissful reality until Jack urges, "Come on, ladies, let's go and check out some cars. Goodbye, Liane!" He tips an imaginary hat to the sisters and purrs, "Ladies."

"Goodbye, Jack," the three remaining women croon in unison, each of them staring at the Doctor with their own reason of annoyance.

"What?" whispers the Doctor to his friends as they leave the shop.

**To Be Continued…**


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's Notes:** My husband tells me that a Robin Reliant, . Whistle, is a car that's even smaller than a Mini and that a Bubble is even smaller than a Whistle. The Doctor first battled Jack's mini in Blast To The Past Chapters 5 & 6, I've included a description of it for those who are not familiar with it. The Doctor's reference to mauve is from the Ninth Doctor's episode, The Empty Child.

This chapter is dedicated to A Who in Whoville, my very first Doctor Who fan fiction friend. All of my prayers and well wishes are going out to you and your family. We love you. :)

**Disclaimer:** I do not own anything in relation to Dr. Who or KISS.

**Chapter 2 Gimp My Ride**

Jack, Donna, the Doctor and Rose are all fast approaching the front of Jack's flat when the honking of a car horn draws their attention. They turn to see the driver is Wilfred Mott behind the wheel of a taxicab and next to him in the passenger seat is the Brig.

Rose watches Wilf maneuver the cab to pull up alongside the curb as she casually mentions to Donna, "I never knew that your grandfather worked for a taxi service."

"That's because he doesn't," replies Donna with a slight smirk. "It's one of his pensioner's schemes. He bought the cab off of a friend of his and he uses it to pick up fares for a little extra money."

"Very industrial," praises the Doctor with a wide grin and a chuckle as the quartet heads over to the two men.

"Captain Jack!" greets Wilf. "We just dropped the car off in your garage. Give us a ring if you decide to buy it and we'll seal the deal with Mal."

"Great, Mr. Mott! Thanks for everything, I really appreciate your help!" declares Jack. He swings his gaze over to the Brig, looking for all the world like an expectant puppy. "And thanks for driving it in, Uncle Alastair. How did it drive?"

"It's a model car, nephew," he responds firmly and Jack's face lights up with a pleased smile. Then the Brig adds with a smug smirk, "Because it's definitely small enough to remind me of one of those model car kits that we used to build together."

Jack sneers back at his uncle while the Brig suddenly takes notice of Rose standing in the background. "Well, well, if isn't the lovely Rose Tyler. Perhaps you'd like to ride in my Aston Martin sometime? She's a real beauty," he gives Rose the once over as he sighs, "just like you. I'll even let you drive it." He leers at her suggestively and asks, "Do you think you could handle my stick?"

Hands on hips, Rose sends the Brig a pity filled glance which belies her amusement and queries sadly, "Why am I not surprised that you're accustomed to manual?"

The Brig lets out a hearty laugh before exclaiming, "I love that woman!"

"_My_ woman," grumbles the Doctor as he places his arm around her shoulder and tugs her to his side.

Wilf leans his head out of the taxi's window and spies a woman lumbered with numerous shopping bags hailing his cab. He flips the switch of the 'on duty' sign sitting atop his cab on and excuses himself. "Sorry, kids, but I have to get back to work. We have a luncheon date with the O'Rufferty sisters and we're trying to scrape up a bit of extra dosh so that they won't have to buy their own pints."

Donna shakes her head in amusement and muses, "Ever the gentleman, eh, Gramps?"

"Ah, you know me so well, Donna, my love," coos Wilf before leaning his head out the window to yell, "Coming, Missus!" He flashes a cheeky grin and waves his hand in farewell and races off to his latest fare.

The Doctor turns as they all make their way to Jack's garage and accuses, "I thought that we were going to look at cars today, but you've already picked one out!"

Jack defends, "We are going to look at cars but when I saw this one, I just had to check it out for myself before somebody else bought it. She's a real beauty."

"Oh, really?" asks the Doctor with more than a hint of mistrust in his voice. Previous experience with Jack's judgment has him casting a wary eye towards his best friend.

The group finally arrives at Jack's garage and he pulls the doors open to reveal the car in question. "Judge for yourself, Doc." He releases a sigh of longing when he looks at it. "Isn't she simply gorgeous?"

They find themselves staring dumbstruck at a Robin Reliant. Donna is the first to regain her ability to speak. "You did it. You actually went out and bought a Whistle."

"I didn't buy it!" insists Jack before concluding with a more hopeful tone, at least not yet!"

"So, Donna, what's your opinion?" queries Jack indicating the car with a confident tilt of his head.

Donna stares at the car and responds in an even tone, "It depends. If I lie to you, does that mean that it won't grow up to be a real car?" Jack expresses a grimace and watches the Doctor for his response.

The Doctor can do nothing but gape at the Robin Reliant sitting in front of him, and not merely any Robin Reliant, but one that's mauve.

He swivels on his heels and grabs Rose by the arm, pulling her alongside him as he points at the car. "It's mauve, Rose! Mauve! It's the universal color for danger!" He darts a sidelong glance at Jack and questions, "Didn't the color alone ring any cloister bells for you?"

"I don't know what that means," replies Jack, "but I thought it was a really pretty color." He chances a glance at Rose knowing that she'll be truthful and much, much kinder with her choice of words. "I know that you like pink, Rose. What do you think of the car?"

All eyes fall on Rose, awaiting her reply. She does her best to avoid everyone's gaze until she can form a neutral enough response to appease everyone. Rose can practically feel their eyes burning holes into her as they wait for her opinion. She hasn't had this much attention focused on her since she was declared the Vitex heiress.

Rose hazards a glance at Jack's worried expression and knowing he's outnumbered, she offers, "It's a lovely car, Jack. It …it…appears sturdy and well built. But most importantly, if _you_ like it then nothing else matters, _especially _nobody else's opinions."

"Thanks, Rose," chirps Jack as Donna and the Doctor glare at Rose while muttering unrepentant comments of 'coward' and 'traitor'."

The Doctor stares down at Jack's other car, a turquoise Morris Mini with a red roof and its mind boggling red rotating hubcaps and a large number three painted on the driver's side of the door.

The Doctor releases a frustrated sigh. "I know what gave you your love of Dungeons and Dragons, but what's your excuse for these cars? Was P.T. Barnum a huge influence? I know that you and your family basically lived as nomads during your youth. Did you travel with circus folk?"

Jack merely rolls his eyes before calmly replying, "You get more zeal with a tiny wheel."

"Enough with your dad's slogans!" huffs the Doctor. He turns away and walks over to Rose who is trying her best not to laugh. "Who did Wilf find that car from anyway?" grumbles the Doctor.

"I believe that Donna said that Wilf's mate, Mal Lupus, owns his own used car dealership," answers Rose.

"Mal Lupus?" repeats the Doctor disbelievingly. "Did you say Mal Lupus, as in another name for Bad Wolf?" He shakes his head ruefully as he gazes at Rose. "Bad Wolf has a very twisted sense of humor."

"Yeah," whispers Rose. "Who knew I was so funny?"

"Okay, that does it!" seethes Jack as he stalks over to the duo. "Quit taking pot shots at my cars or else I'm going to start taking shots at your car," as he points to the Doctor, "just to put it out of its misery!" He then turns to Rose and threatens, "And I'll bring in a fresh batch of French Tarts into the office every day for the next month!"

"Jack Harkness!" exclaims Rose with a guilty expression, "I can't believe you heard that!"

"Insult my car, will you?" growls the Doctor as he whips out his sonic. One arched eyebrow from Rose has him quickly adding, "And my Rose!"

Jack jumps back and gasps, "Quit threatening to probe me!"

"Wh-wh-what?" stammers the Doctor. "What are you talking about?" He looks around desperately at the women and assures them, "I swear, I have **never, ever** threatened to **probe** him!"

"Who are you trying to kid, Doc? You're always pulling that out and aiming it at me!" accuses Jack. "And let's look at the facts, shall we? You are the typical alien profile. One, you are telepathic. Two, you told me yourself that you kidnapped your first two companions. And three," he turns to Donna and Rose as he grabs the sonic screwdriver away from the Doctor and waves it in the air, "does this really look like a screwdriver to anyone?"

"Give me that, you idiot!" spits the Doctor as he reclaims his sonic.

"Behave, you two," orders Donna. "Or are we going to have a probe-lem?"

"You know," observes Rose, "this type of behavior is probe-hibited at Torchwood so you'd best settle your differences right now."

"I agree," states Donna. "The last thing that they want is to be put on probe-ation."

"Although knowing them," quips Rose, "that's probe-ably exactly what will happen."

"Nice," grins Jack as he bobs his head up and down in approval.

"Are you done, now?" questions the Doctor coldly. "Because we have greater concerns at the moment than your childish attempts at playground humor."

"Like what, Doc?" inquires Jack.

"Like that pink monstrosity that you insist on calling a car!" barks the Doctor. "Even Barbie would find it unacceptable transport!"

"What?" cries Jack in astonishment. "Look who's talking! What about your car? I'm still waiting for it to appear on…oh, what's the name of that show? Oh, yeah…Gimp My Ride!"

"Oi!" bellows the Doctor. "That does it, you're history, Harkness! Consider your imminent butt kicking about to become a fixed point in time!"

Donna calls a halt to any further confrontation when she places an arm on the Doctor's shoulder. Seriously confused by the Doctor's statement, she asks, "So, what then? You can fix points in time but not your car?"

The Doctor whirls around in a fury spouting, "Don't you start, Sunshine! You better watch it!"

"Or what?" retorts Donna while giving the Doctor a shove. She jabs her finger at him as she snaps, "Do you really think that you can take me on? You may be The Oncoming Storm but it's always darkest before the Donna! So put that in your sonic probe and smoke it!"

"It's not a probe!" howls the Doctor.

"That's it! Everybody outside!" shouts Rose. She stomps over to the Doctor and Donna. "This is supposed to be a _fun_ outing in _support_ of Jack and that's what I want to see by the time that Jack and I follow you outside.

When they continue to sulk at Rose's admonishment, she places her hands on her hips and prods, "Well, get a move on!" She shakes her head in exasperation as he watches them head outside bickering all the way.

She turns around to see Jack wearing a forlorn expression. "Jack, what's wrong?"

"I was afraid that this would happen, Rose," frets Jack. "I promised them both that I'd look at a variety of cars before I decided to buy anything. I'm so worried that the two of them will talk me out of what I really want and I'll end up with buyer's remorse."

Rose's eyes widen as she inquires, "More remorseful than these last two cars?"

"Rose!" whines Jack. "I need your help with this, please!"

Rose chuckles softly and bumps her shoulder against his. "I'm just kidding, Jack." She pulls him into a sideways hug and promises, "You have nothing to worry about, mate. I'll keep them in line."

Jack's smile is eternally grateful and they're soon standing outside watching the Doctor and Donna chatting amicably. "Well, this is a pleasant surprise," declares Rose happily. "How did you two manage to work things out?"

"Rose!" cheers the Doctor. "You'll never believe what we just discovered!" He glances over at Donna who throws him a wide and encouraging smile. "MiDonnal works on both of us! Of course, it makes perfect sense since we share DNA!"

Jack and rose share a swift look of amusement before the Doctor continues, "Donna and I also called a few car dealerships that will each be dropping off the finest vehicle on their lots so that Jack can inspect them without any pressure."

Donna moves closer to Jack and insists, "You, of course, will have final say for whichever car that you decide to buy. However," she chooses to ignore Jack's slight cringe, "I beg of you, for the sake of cricked necks and twisted vertebrae, please, please consider buying a larger car."

"I don't know, Donna," replies Jack. "I'd do anything for love but I don't know if I can do that."

At hearing Donna's defeated sigh, the Doctor suggests, "Well, just give them a chance, Jack. If you don't like what you see then simply take your time with your car search. You might even find your next car in a box of Crackerjacks! That is how you found the Mini, isn't it?"

Rose delivers a hard jab of her elbow to the Doctor's ribs to stop any further insults. Placing a placating hand on Jack's arm while the Doctor rubs his side and glowers at Rose, she asks, "Jack, are there any other cars that you've seen that you've taken an interest in?"

Jack takes a moment to think it over and quickly recalls, "Well, there was one other car. Mr. Lupus also had a bubble."

The Doctor gasps in outrage. "A bubble?"

"What?" deadpans Donna. "No squeak?"

Jack crosses his arms across his chest and huffs in frustration, "And what's wrong with a bubble?"

"What's wrong?" scoffs the Doctor. "Hello! Papa Smurf called and he wants his car back! It's smaller than either of the toy cars that are sitting in your garage now!"

Instead of the argument that everyone is expecting, Jack merely smiles serenely and asks, "So, Doc, I heard that your special ops mission the other day went south. Those undercover names that you chose for you and Rose not work so well?"

Rose blushes in embarrassment while Donna simply sniggers outright. The Doctor turns red as a lobster and blusters, "Ben and Anna Peel are perfectly acceptable names!"

Jack nods solemnly in agreement before mocking, "Yeah, for a Marx Brothers movie."

Donna hears Rose groan and gazes in sympathy as she begins to rub her temples. "Okay, you two, knock it off. It looks like the score is tied so let's pass the time waiting for the cars by having a lovely chat."

Donna's suggestion is met with reluctant assent and the barely decipherable murmurings of 'tosser' and 'jerk' before they all sit themselves comfortably on the steps leading into Jack's building.

Rose sits next to Donna and gives her hand a grateful squeeze. "Now then," starts Donna, "what shall we talk about?"

"How about our date the other night?" pipes Jack.

Unaware of Donna freezing up behind him, the Doctor utters, "That's right! I had forgotten that you two were going to a concert. So, how did it go?"

Donna is strangely quiet as Jack gushes, "Best rock concert of my life!"

"Rock concert?" questions Rose. "But we went shopping for a gown to the theatre." Donna remains quiet until rose nudges her side. "Donna?"

Donna exhales a puff of air before inquiring a little too blandly, "Did you two know that Jack's a member of the KISS Army?" Glimpsing their stricken expressions at where this is heading, Donna expounds, "Well neither did I. Not until the very moment that I opened my door and saw Jack dressed as Peter Kriss."

The Doctor gapes at Jack in sheer awe. "You were dressed as a member of KISS while Donna was dressed for a classical concert?" Oblivious to the others stunned reactions; Jack merely nods his head in agreement.

Rose is at a complete loss for words at first but is finally able to manage, "Well…you two must have made quite a sight at the concert."

"Oh, you bet we did!" boasts Jack. "By the time I was done with her makeup, she made a beautiful Gene Simmons!" A dead silence falls upon the group as two people relive the memory while the other two attempt to envision it.

Rose leans towards Donna and sympathizes, "That must have been so upsetting for you." Then her tongue pokes out between her teeth as she asks, "So did you two KISS and make up?"

"Shut up, Rose!" hisses Donna.

The Doctor is still gazing at Jack with a mixture of disbelief and disgust. Had all of his tutoring sessions on the art of romance been for naught? Maybe they could salvage this little detour on the road to love with the dinner and movie night that they had been planning for Friday.

"So, Jack," whispers the Doctor conspiratorially, "where are you taking Donna on Friday?"

Jack beams with pride as he whispers back, "I'm taking her to that new Chinese restaurant that just opened up in the Boe District. I received a two for one coupon for their grand opening so not only will I be saving money but she'll even think I'm paying."

The Doctor rubs his eyes in weariness. "Perhaps Rose and I should join you two. What's the name of the restaurant?"

Jack replies, "It's called Fok Yu's Chinese Restaurant. He's a mate of Mr. Mott and Uncle Alastair's, they met him while they were traveling in the navy."

The Doctor stares back at Jack and responds drily, "How appropriate. Maybe we'll just stay home instead." _That way Donna will know who to call when she needs an escape._

"Okay," notes the Doctor, "so you have the restaurant picked out, what about the movie?"

"I thought you would have guessed that by now, Doc!" declares Jack in a hushed whisper. "I've done nothing but talk about it all week and I even showed you the flier."

Exhausted at all of the twists and turns that the morning has taken, the Doctor claims, "I have no idea what you're talking about Jack. Why don't you just tell me what…" _Unless…no…it couldn't be…_

The Doctor stares up at the sky as he clucks his tongue against the roof of his mouth. "Jack, the only flier I seem to recall your showing me was for the Godzilla marathon that's playing at the Rialto? Would that be it?"

"Yeah, and it's the original Japanese versions with English subtitles! I figure since the series is imported that it's got to impress her right, Doc? But try to keep it under your hat; I don't want to ruin the surprise!"

Jack glances back at Donna with such a sly expression that both she and Rose can only return it with a nervous smile that reveals just the slightest trace of fear.

The Doctor silently marks down their upcoming night out as a lost cause before jumping to his feet in excitement. "They're here!" he exclaims joyfully. "The cars are here!" Jack groans and puts his head in his hands in denial of this latest tribulation until the Doctor grabs his arm and pulls him to the curb. "Come on, Jack! Your new car awaits you!"

"That's what I'm afraid of," mutters Jack inconsolably.

**To be concluded…**


	3. Chapter 3

**Author's Note:** I have to admit that I was a little stuck on how to work this chapter until the idea of using some episode titles from the entire show's history brought me inspiration. If I counted them correctly, there should be 73 in all. I offer props to anyone who recognizes any of the titles and major awe to anyone who recognizes the corresponding Doctors. ;) If anyone wants me to send them a copy of the list of the episode titles that I used, just shoot me an email. :)

The Tyme Ageny for this 'verse was first mentioned in Lad's Night Out.

**Disclaimer:** I do not own anything in relation to Dr. Who.

**Chapter 3 If The Brake Shoe Fits**

Jack is standing next to the Doctor at the curb watching the three drivers park their dealership's respective cars before they head off to breakfast after assuring that they'll be back in an hour to pick up the cars. He turns to the Doctor and asks curiously, "How did they arrive here so quickly?"

The Doctor tugs on his ear as he admits, "Well, Donna and I made these calls a couple of days ago so that it would be all set up and ready to go at a moment's notice."

Jack smirks ruefully and acknowledges, "Well played, Doc. So who do you two know that would be willing to do all of this?"

"Anybody who doesn't know Wilfred Mott," replies the Doctor in earnest. "And of course, being the future son-in-law of the Vitex heiress didn't hurt." A gleam lights his eyes, brighter than any that Jack has ever seen, as the Doctor throws out his arm to indicate the cars. "Shall we?"

"Fine," pouts Jack as he trudges closer to the car, only stopping to ask the Doctor a question. "Out of curiosity, what's the beef that you have with my owning a smaller car anyway? I mean, I know you prefer bigger on the inside and all, but why is the size of my vehicle so important?"

The Doctor places his hand on Jack's shoulder and solemnly states, "Jack, I'm over nine hundred years old. I am a very, very old man. Is it really too much to ask that I be allowed to ride in a decent car?"

"Then how do you explain your car?" asks Jack in honest confusion.

The Doctor's indignant sputter grinds to a halt when Donna approaches the two of them with the jingle of car keys. "Alright you two, let's check out the transportation!"

"I call shotgun!" shouts Jack as his arm shoots up into the air.

"Idiot!" berates the Doctor. "You can't call shotgun when you're the driver!" He shakes his head in disgust before sporting his usual manic grin as he turns to the women and yells, "Shotgun!"

Mistaking their silence for disappointment, the Doctor attempts to console them. "Aw, I'm sorry ladies but I am a designated driver after all. Jack will require my insight in regard to the vehicle's console. However, I'm sure that you will still be able to offer plenty of your own from the backseat. Remember, behind every great man is a great woman."

"Yeah," mutters Rose to Donna as they make their way to the car. "And that woman has to have a lot of tolerance and patience to put up with that man."

"Hmmph," grumps Donna. "Or at least have a cricket bat."

"Well, come on, everyone, get inside!" urges the Doctor. "We're off to a mission of the unknown, it's like standing at the warrior's gate!"

"More like we're four to doomsday," mutters Jack dejectedly.

The Doctor steers Jack towards the driver's side of the car while he enthuses, "Wait until you try out these cars, Jack Harkness! You'll finally see what you've been missing out on! It'll be an awakening, a true enlightenment!"

The four friends enter the car and immediately relax into their seats, all except for Jack. His grip on the steering wheel is so tight that it almost appears as if the bones of his knuckles are going to protrude through the skin.

He breaks out into a cold sweat and barely manages to gasp, "This car is huge. What do you call it?"

"It's a Highlander!" declares the Doctor. "There is nothing more reliable than a Highlander in my personal experience. Not to mention that it's the same name as your father's pipes. That has to be a good sign, right?"

Jack's wild eyed stare darts around the interior of the car as if searching for an enemy lurking in the shadows. "My father would not like this car," he insists gravely.

The Doctor smirks, "Of course your father wouldn't like this car, he drives a lime green Volkswagen Brasilia. What did Sarah Jane call it at Christmas? Oh yes, the Green Death."

Ignoring the Doctor's gibe, Jack increases his grip on the steering wheel and asks pitifully, "Who makes a car this big anyway? A planet of giants?"

"Yes," remarks the Doctor snidely, "unlike the vehicles that you seem to prefer. Who makes those cars, eh? A celestial toymaker?"

Donna speaks up from behind and reminds him, "Come on, Jack. You promised that you'd give these cars a chance. Just take a deep breath and relax." She leans back in her seat and sighs in absolute bliss. "Now this is a real car."

"Yep," agrees the Doctor. "Unlike the banana that you drive around town in," sniggers the Doctor.

"Oi!" growls Donna. "My car is not a banana, it is painted _daisy_ yellow." She crosses her arms over her chest as she looks out the side window. "And don't you start thinking it's a banana either. I don't want to come outside and find you licking it!"

"One time, Donna Noble! One time I do that and you **never** let me forget it!" He mimics her pose and grumbles, "I was only trying to find out what type of car wax you use to make your Citroen look so shiny."

Donna grimaces in disgust while she demands, "What is it with you aliens of London anyway? You're all so weird."

The Doctor's about to fire off a retort when Jack begs, "Can you two please not yell in here? It's creating an echo."

The Doctor sulks as he slides down in his seat but continues to defend his honor. "I'm not weird. Even half human, I still have a superior biology; my senses are much more refined than the _average_ human." He lifts his head and sniffs the air appreciatively. "For example, someone in the last three days wore the scent of black orchid while driving this car."

"Wow," states Donna with fake enthusiasm, "that's so impressive." She leans back against her seat and requests, "Just promise me that if you ever buy a dog that you won't start sniffing its bum in greeting."

"I had a dog," responds the Doctor in an icy tone, "and I **never** did that!"

Rose groans in exasperation. "Leave off, you two! I feel like I'm at a primary school reunion."

"Why is it so hot in here?" pipes up Jack. "It feels like I'm trapped in an inferno." He wipes his brow with the back of his hand and breathes, "It's like being on a planet of fire."

Sensing Jack is about to beat a hasty retreat, Donna leans forward and grips the Doctor's shoulder while urgently whispering, "Doctor, we're losing him!"

Nodding discreetly, the Doctor leans over to inspect the console in search of the air conditioning. When he doesn't find what he's looking for, he turns his attention to the adjustment controls on the steering wheel. "Easy fix, that is, once I locate the good old AC and…ah, here it is!"

One hard jab of the button and the Doctor stares aghast as Jack finds himself pinned against his seat, his arms and legs squirming around in a futile attempt to dislodge the air bag that the Doctor has just deployed.

The Doctor's face scrunches up in despair while Rose and Donna just gape in horror. "Oh," peeps the Doctor, "I'm sorry." He pulls out his sonic and deflates the air bag. "I'm so, so sorry."

Jack pants heavily as he tries to restore his oxygen levels and the Doctor, appearing greatly abashed, quietly states, "Well, perhaps this isn't the car for you after all. Shall we try the next one?" Jack slowly turns his head and gawks at him in sheer disbelief. "Allonsy?" offers the Doctor hopefully.

Jack's fiery gaze lands on the Doctor as he blindly reaches out for the door handle and jerks the door open to take flight. The slamming of the car door echoes throughout the interior until the Doctor breaks the silence. "Well, that went much better than I anticipated. What do the two of you think?"

"Absolutely," agrees Donna wholeheartedly. "I'm actually surprised that he lasted this long."

"True," murmurs Rose compassionately. She sighs, "Poor Jack. I knew that it was a long shot but I was hoping that today would go a lot easier on him."

"What do you mean, 'easy on him'?" questions the Doctor suspiciously. "How did you know what Donna and I were planning?"

"I didn't," replies Rose. "But how else could a day of car shopping possibly turn out with you two dominators?"

Rose exits the car smoothly, shutting the door on the Doctor's and Donna's simultaneous exclamations of "Oi!" She spots Jack sitting on a bus bench holding his head in his hands and she immediately makes her way over to him.

"Plotting your escape?" asks Rose kindly as she sits next to him. Jack smiles ruefully in response and she suggests, "You know, I could put in a call to Torchwood for you. I'm sure that there's something out there right now that requires our help." Jack finally flashes a true smile when Rose poses, "Maybe an android invasion or a French tart horribly mutated by Ianto's special blend?"

The synchronized slam of two car doors alerts them that Donna and the Doctor are heading their way. The Doctor stops about six feet short of Jack and Rose, his hands shoved deep inside his pockets and a sheepish grin on his face, until Donna gives him a hard shove to move him forward.

The Doctor clears his throat awkwardly and tugs on his ear as he attempts an apology. "I'm sorry about the pressuring you to buy a bigger car and the whole air bag thing, Jack. Although, I must admit that I was very impressed at your ability to hold your breath. Especially since you don't even have an extra respiratory bypass."

"Yeah, it must have been all that lifeguard training," proclaims Jack. "I love the thought of saving lives and keeping others from harm." He stands up and pokes a finger into the Doctor's chest. "That's why you're still standing."

The Doctor is about to retort when Jack holds up his hand and cuts him off with his next few words. "Now I'm willing to accept what you consider to be an apology as long as we get a few things straight. First off, I consider all of you my friends and so your opinions mean a lot to me. That's why I asked for your help today." He gives both Donna and the Doctor a stern expression. "Which is why, as Rose said earlier, I would like today to be a fun outing and not a battlefield for survival."

The Doctor and Donna quietly nod in agreement and the Doctor tentatively holds up his hand asking Jack's permission to speak. Jack nods his consent and the Doctor cautiously inquires, "But we can still check out the other two cars, right?" At Rose and Jack's looks of exasperation, the Doctor speedily adds, "Because they're already here and it would be a shame to make waste of the drivers' time."

The Doctor and Donna glance at each other in silent hope while Rose and Jack do the same in contemplation of the situation. Finally, Jack concedes to examine the other cars. "Fantastic!" exclaims the Doctor gleefully. "Which one would you like to try first?"

Jack glances over at the other two cars, one an Expedition and the other a Quest. "It's a real twin dilemma, Doc. Either one is going to freak me out." He sighs miserably as he takes in the size of both cars. "I guess they didn't have any school buses available, huh? You take your pick, Doc. I can't decide."

"Yeah," mutters the Doctor, "it's a real mindwarp." He scans the remaining cars and decides to go for the Expedition. "Here," he says as he directs Jack towards the car, "we'll try this one. You'll love it. It's silver and so shiny."

Donna quips, "Does that mean that you're going to lick it?"

"**One time!**" shouts the Doctor while shooting a glare at Donna before turning back to Jack with a soothing tone. "Now just take it easy, Jack. There's nothing to get upset about. You're simply letting your completely unfounded fears get the better of you. Remember, fear is nothing but the invisible enemy, don't let it control you."

Jack gazes at the Expedition with a fair amount of trepidation and bemoans to himself, _The Silver Nemesis, this car is going to give me night terrors for weeks._

"Come on, Jack," urges the Doctor as he pushes him towards the car, "no more planting your seeds of doom. Everything will be fine, I'll be right there beside you."

"You will not!" insists Jack. "That's the other thing that I wanted to tell you! I want Rose or Donna next to me; you can ride in the back!"

"Wh-wh-what?" sputters the Doctor as he eyes the backseat with distaste. "That's where loud, whiny children and the elderly sit!"

"Then you should feel perfectly at ease either way," coos Donna as she walks over to the car and slides in the front seat.

"Fine!" grumbles the Doctor as he and Rose enter the car and sit themselves on the backseat. "Well, what's taking so long?" he grouses. "Let's take it out for a test drive!"

"What?" squeaks Jack. "You want me to actually drive this thing?"

"That is what cars are usually intended for, Harkness!" barks the Doctor.

"Hey! Easy there with your reign of terror, Doctor!" admonishes Rose. "A robot would have more compassion than what you're showing right now!"

"If he wanted me to show compassion then he should have let me sit up front instead of the Grandma's seat!" complains the Doctor.

Jack's wide terror filled gaze swings toward the Doctor as he snaps, "A Timelord, my eye! You're behaving more like a Time Monster!"

"I always thought he was more of a Time Meddler," muses Donna.

"Try a Time Warrior," asserts the Doctor smugly.

"Well, right now you're behaving more like an unearthly child. Now, can we put an end to World War Three or do I need to start slapping somebody?"

Everyone falls silent until the Doctor mutters, "I swear, living with the Tyler slap is like living with the Hand of Fear."

"What was that?" demands Rose with an arched eyebrow.

"Nothing, my love, I was just plotting out the best course to take for our test drive. We'll definitely want to avoid Tate Street, I noticed a terrible gridlock there when we walked back from Liane's shop."

**BANG! **The big bang from a backfiring car passing by deters any further retort on Rose's behalf and sends Jack into a babbling frenzy that even the Doctor would be proud of. "Did you hear that? It's a sign. We shouldn't drive this car. Besides, nobody likes expeditions. You think you're on a nice little expedition, enjoying the scenery, and then suddenly…**BANG!**...you find yourself on a planet of spiders trapped in their web of fear!"

Donna places her hand over Jack's hand and gives it a gentle squeeze. "You have issues. You know that, right? Now, are we going to decide where we're going or just sit here until midnight?"

"I don't want to go anywhere," whines Jack in a petulant tone as he crosses his arms across his chest in a pout. "And you can't make me."

"Oh, don't be like that, Jack," cajoles the Doctor in the same persuasive tone that he uses whenever Tony is being stubborn. "We'll merely take a quick spin, somewhere with free parking. As cheap as you are, that must be your idea of Utopia."

When Jack remains motionless, Donna moves her hand from his hand to his knee and squeezes. His eyes slowly trail from her hand, up her arm, straight into her bedroom eyes that are shooting him a brazen and alluring gaze. She leans in close and purrs throatily, "Jack, if you promise to give this car a quick drive, the barest movement, then I can assure you that I will make any traffic we encounter the best 42 minutes of your life."

Jack gulps audibly and pants heavily while his imagination runs wild and he is finally able to murmur huskily, "That's a very specific and exact number, Donna. How did you arrive at that?"

She tilts her head and flashes a seductive grin at him. "It's a Timey-Whiney thing."

"That's **Timey-Whimey**, Donna Noble, and you know that!" roars the Doctor from the backseat while Rose tugs on the back of his coat to pull him back down onto his seat.

Donna momentarily breaks the mood when she turns to shout, "Shut it, beanpole! I'm working here!" She turns back around to trail her fingers softly down Jack's face and inquires, "So, what do you say, Jack?"

Jack giggles nervously and asks, "Well, where would we go?"

Tired of being ignored, the Doctor leans forward between them and points down the street. "How about, right there? No, wait, there, go there instead. Then if we turn left, we should avoid the area with the gridlock."

Jack nods his head and grips the steering wheel. "Yeah, right."

"No," states the Doctor, thinking that Jack misheard him. "I said turn left."

"Right," agrees Jack as he swallows harshly as he shakily reaches for the key in the ignition.

The Doctor is about to correct him again when Donna faces them both and counters, "Hey, Abbott and Costello! Not that this isn't the greatest show in the galaxy, but can we move the bloody car already?"

"Okay," declares Jack. "Here goes." The car lurches forward about two feet when Jack presses his foot down on the accelerator before he slams his other foot down on the brake. "Well, that's enough for me. Is everyone ready for the last car?"

"What?" questions the Doctor. "Did we even move?"

"Jack," hums Donna in her most comforting tone, "what about those forty-two minutes?"

"I'm sorry; Donna, but I just can't do it. Those two feet that we drove already made me feel like I'm on the edge of destruction." When she throws him a steamy gaze and even attempts an imitation of Rose's tongue in teeth smile, he firmly insists, "Not even if it's forty-five."

"Don't worry, Jack," consoles Rose. "It's human nature to be nervous when you're trying something new. We can just sit here and chat until you feel up to trying out the next car or we can skip it all together."

At this suggestion, Donna swings her gaze over to Rose and rants, "Oh, by all means, Rose, we'll just let this little Voyage of the Damned be all for naught, shall we? In fact, why don't we give up on car shopping and just stay here? We could even move in and make a reality show of it, call it The Lodger. We've got the Ultimate Foe here who tosses aside every idea we throw at him, The Lonely Angel back there with the god complex and we'll bill you as The Girl Who Waited. It'll be wizard."

"Wow," remarks Rose dryly. "And I thought the Doctor was the one with the cold blood. Tell us how you really feel, why don't you? And where would you be Donna, during all of this?"

"I'd be the first one to leave the show, of course," replies Donna. "Somebody has to spread the gospel of idiocy that you all seem to revere so much!"

The Doctor makes one last academy try and pleads, "Jack, my boy! What about our treating this as an adventure? Think of it, cruising through the streets at high speeds, searching for adventure wherever you go! The thrill of the chase, the crusade against boredom instantly alleviated by your creative and ingenious _driving attempts_ that hold us all in thrall."

Jack twists in his seat to face the Doctor and questions, "How about the rescue team that has to pull us out of the fiery and twisted wreckage of what once used to be this car because I was too scared to drive it properly?"

"Fine, have it your way," relents the Doctor mutinously, "but we are going straight to the last car."

"Seriously?" asks a dubious Jack. "That's all you've got? You're not going to try and charm me with another snakedance?"

"No," responds the Doctor tiredly. "You've beaten me. You've worn me down and worn me out. I just want this little car shopping expedition over with."

"Hmmm," drones Donna. "So how does it feel to be the one who's licked for a change?"

"**One time!**" wails the Doctor before he exits the car leaving the others to various fits of laughter.

Once they've managed to control themselves, they exit the car as well and find the Doctor holding a gaggle of keys. "Who was the previous owner of this car?" muses Rose. "A janitor?"

The Doctor smiles fondly as he takes them in and reminisces, "They're quite fitting for a Quest actually. They remind me a bit of the Keys of Marinus. Now that was some quest. I'll have to tell you about that some time. Which reminds me of another quest, once a very long time ago, it was a search for the Key to –"

"Tyme?" murmurs Jack. The Doctor's so shocked that he can do nothing more than nod his head in surprise while Jack explains, "It's right here on the key ring, the Tyme Agency. They must have been the previous owners."

"The Tyme Agency was in possession of this car?" groans the Doctor. "Now, I hate it. Forget it, let's go."

Jack's grin could light up a Christmas tree until Donna intercedes and grabs both retreating men by the arms. "Oh, no you don't. It's the last car and we're checking it out. We went to a lot of trouble to arrange this private viewing and we're not letting it go to waste, especially since I was the one who had to pay!"

"Oh," bleats the Doctor, "was I supposed to contribute something as well? I thought that arranging all of this was your own personal gift to Jack."

"No, pencil neck, we were supposed to go Dutch!" hisses Donna.

"That's my girl!" crows Jack. "Okay, everybody inside, but this time I want Rose to sit next to me."

Jack opens the driver's side and freezes in place as he realizes how much bigger it really is on the inside. Noting this, Rose leans across her seat and inquires gently, "Jack, are you alright? It's okay, just take a deep breath and relax. Jack? Remember to breathe, okay?" When still no response is forthcoming, Rose begs, "Alright, how about blink?"

"Fantastic," mutters Donna from the backseat. "Now we're going to have fight him tooth and claw to get him in here."

"Brave heart, Jack," encourages the Doctor, sitting alongside Donna. "There's a liquor store around the corner if you need a shot of courage. Just try not to break into any inappropriate songs."

The Doctor's potshot hits its mark and rouses Jack from his stupor. "You mean like 'Highway to Hell?' No, that would be more appropriate for your car, what with its state of decay and all. What's with you and old crocks anyway? Rose told me about your TARDIS. It sounds like it should've been in some space museum."

Both the Doctor's smile and tone are as venomous as a cobra as he replies, "Sticks and stones, Harkness. Now, why don't you show me that you're bigger on the inside and get in the car?"

Jack reluctantly plops himself down into the driver's seat and shuts the door. He worries that he's about to black out when the darkness of the interior practically engulfs him. "Why is it so dark in here?"

"The bulb burnt out overhead," explains Donna. "Don't worry, you can still look around. If need be, we'll use the idiot's lantern."

"What?" gasps the Doctor in outrage.

"I think she means your probe," poses Rose cheekily.

"For the last time, it's not a probe! It's a sonic screwdriver!" howls the Doctor. He falls back against his seat in a frustrated sulk chanting in a barely coherent mumble, "It's not a probe because I don't probe people."

"It's just…it's just…it's just so dark in here. I feel like I'm in the Underworld," whispers Jack. Donna rolls her eyes as she taps her fingers atop the arm rest between her and the Doctor. "Could you please stop doing that?" implores Jack. "It feels like the sound of drums pounding in my head."

Rose places her hand on Jack's shoulder and suggests, "Jack, why don't you close your eyes and picture your happy place?" She's instantly surprised when a smile of pure serenity breaks out across his face. "Well, that was easy. Where exactly is your happy place?"

"Paradise Towers," chirps Jack in extreme bliss. "They hold D & D tournaments there every year." He releases a small sigh of contentment as he confesses, "I'm picturing Donna there with me."

Donna snorts, "He wishes."

Jack slowly opens his eyes but the silence of the car is deafening and the darkness begins to envelop him. _Rose!_ he wails. "I feel like I'm falling through a huge, black void."

Rose's reaction is instantaneous. She bellows, "That's it, we've come to our journey's end! I want everybody out of this car, **right now!**

Jack is more than happy to comply and hurriedly jumps out of the car with Rose while Donna stares at the Doctor, completely dumbfounded. "Is she serious?"

The Doctor shrugs and sing-songs, "Fear her." He sighs loudly and declares, "Well, we're rubbish partners in crime." He gives Donna is best puppy dog pout and asks, "Isn't there anything that you can do to convince him to buy it? Say, use your wiles?"

"What do you suggest I do, Spaceman? Entice him into the backseat and seduce him?"

"Would you?" requests the Doctor hopefully. Donna's answering glare is only a mere warning before the Doctor is soon rubbing the back of his head in reprimand. "Ow, that hurt, Donna! You could've just said 'no'."

She snarls, "That's for being so stupid, you pillock! Any more barmy ideas like that and you can forget about being last of the Time Lords, we'll all be finding out if we prefer the next Doctor."

"I don't regenerate anymore, Donna," replies the Doctor smugly.

"I know," responds Donna with an insidious smile before leaving him to rejoin the others. She spots Rose and Jack with their heads together, deep in conversation, and storms over to them. "Alright, I surrender. Pick out whatever roller skate that you want to drive around town in but when we go out, we use my car!"

Jack and Rose sport matching grins as the Doctor exits the car, still rubbing the back of his head. "Okay, Harkness, it's the eleventh hour. Which car are you going to pick?"

"Thanks to Rose, it's already been taken care of," answers Jack enigmatically. "In two hours time, my new car will be dropped off at the curb. Now, how about we all head over to the Ale Ye Inn for a nice leisurely breakfast? It should be no problem since they don't have a closing time."

"Might as well," concedes Donna as she spies the returning drivers. "It looks like we've come to our parting of the ways. Look at them, the Happiness Patrol, each one so sure that they've made a sale. I guess that they didn't count of the Armageddon factor over here. Come on, Spaceman, let's send them on their way so we can go have breakfast."

************Two hours later************

The quartet returns to find Jack's new car already parked by the curbside. Jack and Rose are over the moon with their choice, the Doctor and Donna not so much.

"What in the name of the High Council is that?" asks the Doctor slowly as he takes in the car.

"That's my new car, Doc!" claims Jack proudly. "Rose had the Whistle painted blue, the exact same shade of your Citroen. Now we match!" He throws his arm around the Doctor's shoulder and inquires, "Isn't it great?"

"Fantastic," grumbles the Doctor, quickly followed by mouthing, 'You're dead, Tyler', to a completely unrepentant Rose. "Well, it looks like we've come full circle."

"So, what do you think, Doc?" questions Jack gleefully.

"I think that it's the end of my world," states the Doctor sadly, "and the beginning of my backache."

Totally oblivious to the Doctor's state of unhappiness, Jack walks over to the boot of his car and pulls out a wrapped package that he hands to the Doctor. "What's this, Jack?" he questions.

"Open it and find out, Doc!" urges Jack with a huge grin.

The Doctor opens the package to find a license plate, but not just any license plate, a specialized one. He peers down at it as he reads 'SHTHPPNS'. _How appropriate._

"Oh, look," interjects Donna, "he bought you a new license plate."

The Doctor simply offers her a glance of disdain before turning to Jack and requesting, "Again, I ask you what this is?"

"It's my new license plate," exclaims Jack joyfully. "Shot Hippens was my favorite western hero when I lived in America. He always shot from the hip and never missed a single shot. I always swore that I'd find a way to use his name on a license plate. So, will you use your sonic screwdriver to put it on for me?"

The Doctor's expression exhibits one of pure distaste as he replies, "No, I will not. Neither I or my sonic are going anywhere near that plate or car."

"How about we make a bet, Doc?" suggests Jack. "If I ask you to explain something and you can't do it, then you have to attach the plate to my car. Deal?"

"Deal," states the Doctor as the two men shake hands in agreement. "There's nothing that I can't explain. Genius, me."

"Great," remarks Jack confidently. "Then you'll have no trouble explaining women to me."

"What?" squeaks the Doctor.

"Women," reiterates Jack while pointing at Donna and Rose. "Like those two over there."

The women stare back at the Doctor with eyebrows arched in fascination, eagerly awaiting his reply. His eyes dancing back and forth between Jack and the women, the Doctor sees no escape available to him and huffs, "Give me the bloody plate," as he whips out his screwdriver.

"Thanks, Doc!" beams Jack. "Can I do anything to help?"

"Yes, actually, I could use your assistance. Could you please grab my toolbox from the backseat of my car? The door's open."

Jack laughs as he strides over to the car. "Yeah, I guess nobody would try to steal this relic, right?" The Doctor watches in malignant glee as Jack opens the car door and screams his heart out. He immediately slams the door shut as he plasters himself against it while trying to remember how to breathe.

Rose rushes to Jack's aid while Donna stares at the Doctor in confusion. "Didn't I tell you?" ask the Doctor nonchalantly while throwing his screwdriver into the air and catching it with one hand. "I finally made it transdimensional so it's bigger on the inside."

He heads over to Jack's car and whistles a jaunty tune to the accompaniment of the sonic's hum while he attaches the license plate on Jack's new car. He smirks to himself, _See, Jack?_ _Size matters after all._

**THE END**


End file.
